Shaq abducted by aliens

What the hell is going on with Shaq?

I mean, it isn't just the Kobe Bryant handshake, hug, and make out session BEFORE the game. It isn't even the voices in his head that he claims to be responding to - such voices as Pat Riley and Bill Russell. What is bothering me is the apathetic style of his game.

Sure, he dunked pretty nasty off a rebound rim-shattering put-back on Bynum. And with one look, it is priceless. But what happens next? Bynum spins off of Shaq in the post to get a wide open dunk - and thunderous applause from the Laker faithful. Dr. Buss, meanwhile, is yelling 'I told you so' from his seat.

It isn't his stats, either. Shaq continues to be efficient from the field, shooting 54% and grabbing 9.8 rebounds in 28.3 minutes. The latter two stats are down versus his career, but seeing as the Big Fella is at the tail end of his career, and has probably the best backup of all time behind him in Zo, that is to be expected.

What it is that does bother me, and lead me on this investigative path, is his lack of ferocity. Shaq just doesn't get the great positioning he used to get. Some will cite the recent NBA rule changes that allow for a 'pre-doubling', as Riley calls it - where post players can be doubled before the entrance pass is made by loitering defenders. Shaq isn't getting the spacing to work.

That isn't it though either. Shaq is just not getting deep into the post and is letting the likes of Danny Fortson, Robert Swift, Chris Mihm and even Greg Ostertag give him fits. You could see it on his face tonight: getting pushed - the audacity! - by a jumpy Andrew Bynum. Frustration set in and he tossed a mighty elbow into Bynum. Double techs ensued, and the dust settled.

There can only be one conclusion, since Shaq has gotten the team he wants, the players he wants, and the coach he wants: the real Shaq has been abducted by aliens. It must have happened sometime before the playoffs last season. Sure, he supposedly had a bruised thigh that never healed fully for him going into the playoffs. I think, maybe, it was the clone inserted in his place by the aliens that wanted to see a Pistons/Spurs finals. That Ben Wallace is quite a sex symbol on Mars, believe it or not. Or so Bill Russell has told me.

But seriously, the pundits will start second guessing things now and the path must get ever tougher for Riley and Co. The old Shaq is not here, but replaced with, well, an old Shaq. Maybe it wasn't aliens after all. Maybe Shaq is done? Maybe it is like when the Berlin Wall fell (and soon after the Soviet Union), the U.S. as the lone superpower and hegemon, had no equal to counter. Or like when Carthage fell (Cartago delenda est!) leaving Rome alone in the Mediterranean. So, Shaq is somewhat bored, with no one to counter him and drive him; no one to push him but himself because he is in a league by himself.

Nah, must be the aliens.